I believe that it is duly time for me to post a list of my top ten pet peeves. Why? Because it's better than posting a list of my top 100 pet peeves. But seriously, I feel like it's the appropriate time because, well, because. Readers may find this list self-serving and self-contradictory, and it is entirely both. Hopefully it isn't too heavy-handed, but then, how else would one deal with pet peeves?
1. Beverage drinking in church. I mean, really, you can't live without your half-caf, half-decaf white mocha frap (or cup of joe or gallon of water) for an hour? Have we really become such an impatient society that not even God warrants 60-90 hydration free minutes a week?
2. Households which expect all who enter to remove their shoes. Now, I understand this as a reflection of a person's culture or religion, but I do not understand it as a general requirement for people who were foolish enough to put white carpeting in their houses. Of course, I'm probably one of the few who gets their nerves tweaked by this request anymore; however, I do firmly believe that there are ways of making this request that are more polite and considerate than simply leaving a basket by the front door for everyone to stack their shoes in. My Emily Post's Etiquette book informs me that making a polite request of friends and family to remove their shoes is fine, especially when inclement seasons are longer. But, she does advise leaving slippers or sandals out for guests to wear. This avoids the awkward I'm-in-my-bare/stocking-feet feeling. Also, the formality of the event comes into play as does your familiarity with the people you are inviting into your home.
3. Double dipping. Blech. That one bowl of dip has to be shared by a group of people who may not want it seasoned with your saliva. My aversion to this practice has earned me a reputation for being a germ-a-phobe, which I find odd because it's blatantly inconsiderate. Let me quote Peggy Post: "Don't be a double dipper. One chip, cracker, shrimp, veggie, or fruit tidbit is for one dip, and only one, in the bowl. Double dipping is unsanitary and inconsiderate of the hosts, who will have to toss out a dip when they catch a double dipper" (452). Thank you. That is all (for number 3).
4. Newborns out and about -- not on their own, obviously. I am referring again to my beef with impatience (see number 1). Infants -- little, tiny, pink things just barely out of the womb -- seem to be joining their moms at the mall more frequently (or has it just suddenly come to my attention?). Isn't really unwise to expose these infants to the wider world of germs? Not that I'm suggesting zipping them into a bubble for the first month of their lives -- well, maybe I am.
5. Other drivers. I'm not even kidding. I wish I was, but I generally find that other drivers often fail to signal, forget the rules of four-way stops, swerve over the yellow line and back as they text their friends that they're, like, on their way. But especially people who have the gall to suggest that I could ever be at fault in my own driving. Sheesh. The nerve.
6. Customers who come into stores right before or at closing. Now that I work in retail, my suspicions -- developed over years of being a customer -- have been confirmed: those sales clerks do not like customers who absent-mindedly wander into stores at 5:57 when the store closes at 6:00. Especially when said customer's visit is obviously not going to be quick. I dread the customer who wanders in 30 seconds to closing, hands behind his back, carefully perusing every rack of clothing, every shoe, every tent pole, spork, and magnesium fire starter in sight. Please, stores post hours out of courtesy. Be courteous in return and check them.
7. Academics who arrogantly dismiss anything they see as pedestrian or sophomoric as being ... pedestrian and sophomoric. To be fair, it isn't just academics who do this. There are a wide range of high-minded elitists who take delight in shredding books/music/films that they don't see as providing the right kind of intellectual stimulation -- never mind enjoyment, sentiment, humor. Those are symptoms of weakness.
8. Conversely, self-seeking air heads who don't believe there's any value in education. Because, like, it's more important to be rich and beautiful than it is to be, like, smart? (Up talk.) But I am also referring to those who feel that no benefit comes from reading the works of dead people nor from learning of the escapades of dead generations (I mean literature and history... just to be clear). I remember reading an article on a gentleman who said that every time he saw a library he saw an archaism. He didn't put it that way, but he gave the distinct impression that he wanted to see the libraries taken down because the internet holds the future. He was/is not an airhead (I like to think of him that way, though). He was just narrow minded, which is as bad. It occurs to me, however, that his world is restricted to 1's and 0's. And that's a little sad.
9. People who exercise too much. Don't misunderstand me here. I know plenty of people who love exercise in its many varieties, but they have lives beyond fitness. The people I am referencing are those who assume life isn't worth living without constant physical exertion -- and are arrogant about it to boot. Spandex bike jerks in California; mud-splattered triathletes in Oregon; marathoners in Utah -- wherever. It doesn't matter. Just please stop strutting around like your 0 per cent body fat and addiction to exercise are super cool. They're actually super obnoxious. Regale me not with tales of your latest survival whilst glissading down Mt. Rainier's glaciers for the umpteenth time. Please refrain from explaining to me the difference between mountain biking, street biking and banana biking. I get the general idea. You have pushed your body to its extreme limits and will probably have titanium hips by the time you're fifty. Hooray!
10. Conversely, people who don't exercise at all, or who do so at such a snail's pace it seems hardly possible they're burning any more calories than they do in front of the computer. And then said folks complain about not losing weight. Our bodies were made to move. So move.
And finally, to end on an odd number, my eleventh pet peeve (I lied. There are eleven not ten.)
11. Pet peeve lists. Yes, I find people like me highly reprehensible. Do I have nothing better to do with my life than sit around and come up with a list of complaints? What a loser! God, save us from ourselves. Here I am, relatively happy and healthy. I am allowed to practice my faith, vote as I see fit, eat to the content of my over-eater's heart, and communicate freely with friends and family. So many things in my world are right that it seems utterly churlish to complain about a few incidentals. But from time to time I do, if only to alleviate myself of pet peeve-related anxiety.
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